A bard's tale

[numenorian]

There was  an elvish kid from a great and well known home.He was the son of the leader of the home and he was thought to be the next leader but something unexpected happened at his 13(i dont recall the actual years of an elf with similar age to a 13 human).His father was murdered and he was chased down.So our little hero enters wounded  from an arrow into a forest and decided to stay there until everyone would have left,so he finds a cave nearby so he decides to enter and stay there for a while.The kid entering the cave met sth unexpected,a bear coming to him he tried to fight the bear but it was pointless and he thought that if he had to die he would die with a song(Music was sth he loved from the moment he was born).He started singing and it was not only the bear charmed by his song but actually the forest was hearing and feeling his song.The other day had come and the little elf decided to leave from the forest though he tried he couldn't he had this sense that the forest didn't want to let his 'creator' live and from his side sensed that leaving from the forest he would have left sth from hisself so he decided to stay there.He was walking and singing all day all his life though he didn't have anything to play music but his voice.After years of staying he started singing(his singing illustrated great events the took place in the world like battles and of course many confused pictures that didn't make sense) the voices of nature and forgot how is it talking with other creatures and actually he had forgotten his spoken language  .The night when he reached the age of adultness he  dreamed of a beautiful blond girl with elvish characteristics that inspired him.The other morning he went to the ravine that it was inside the forest and started singing a joyful song that even the gods were amazed and the wise men heard it in their minds.He continued singing his song until another song a mourning one was sung by a female beautiful voice so our hero went towards the voice until he saw the girl of his dream in front of his eyes.Seeing that he catches her and they start dancing and singing,he is singing joyfully she does the opposite they keep it up dancing and singing for 300 years when something terrible happened he realises that she dissapeared just like that from nothing but he cannot believe it she was their right in front of him dancing and singing together,he realises the cruel truth he was seein an illussion that he has made and that he was charmed by his own song,he starts to feel desperate.The gods do pity him they love his songs and don't want him to die so they give him the grace to be immortal.Actuallly this is a story that i thought with a friend o mine and decided to put it in his work in the world that he has made i know that i may not have written the story as well as it should be but believe me the greek version i have next to me is better(more detailed) but i would like to see some answers on the general idea of this story so don't stay on details too much.

[Gil Galad]

That was pretty good, somethings were a bit obscure though, but good, i liked it, it kind of moved me. Hmmmm

[Beren One-Hand]

You get good marks for creativity.  However, your story would flow much better and smoother if it was better grammatically.  I'm a stickler for grammer.  Tolkien and others like Salvatore are "wizards" in many ways - but grammatically they are amazing.  That's not to say that professional authors don't have editors.  The best author's, in most cases always combined their skill with creativity, with an ability to write masterfully.

Some constructive criticism.  Work on the grammer and your story is not without potential.

[numenorian]

i know  i just wrote it to tell me about how was the idea because i knew it wasn't well written.

[Beren One-Hand]

That's cool.  Anyway, I wish you good luck on your story.

[Scroll]

There were a few times I had to guess at it. But it was very good.

A liitle advice though, if you don't mind my friend. Keep track of you punctuations(sp) and things.

[numenorian]

I ll definetely keep that in mind,thnaks scroll

[Beren One-Hand]

numenorian: have you developed or written more on your story?

[numenorian]

Not yet because as i ve said that was the last story we came up so we have some other stories to finish first.Because actually we re preparing a book,or better sth like silmarilion.