Jyothi

[Rita]

Not anything to do with Lord of the Rings...just wanted to share this one way or another, and remembered this place I used to frequent many years ago. It's possible no one will read this, but that's ok.



What do you do when your body is in one place, and your heart is in another?

What do you do when your heart lies in the hands of a tiny baby girl half a world away?

How do you stop that endless ache, the one that you try to block out by keeping yourself busy, but can still take your breath away with its intensity? It pounds inside of you, sometimes softly, sometimes so painful and insistent that it blocks out everything else you ever thought you wanted. I want her. I want her back! Sometimes I want to scream it out, as if screaming could change something, anything. As though screaming might somehow make people realise. How can they look at me and not see? How do they not realise that my world has been taken away from me, that I have been taken away from my world? Does she miss me too? Does she cry herself to sleep every night like I do? Does she realise that I didn’t want to leave her, that I think of her every second of every minute of every day?

Is the human heart capable of holding so much sorrow? Is it possible that any minute now, my heart will simply implode on itself, empty of all emotion or feeling, and that I will simply cease to exist?

Why do I cry? What good will crying do? It wont change things. It wont bring her back to me. And it wont take me back to her.

Sometimes in my dreams I am sure I hear her calling me. Her tiny hand in mine, pulling, urging me to hold her. But when I reach out there is nothing. Empty air, empty dreams.

In slow, gasping breaths and shuddering sobs, my heart slowly dies.

The numbness grows. Slowly at first, then faster, it spreads. If I can just control my thoughts, if I just keep my mind focused, I can live through one more second...one more minute...one more hour...one more day, without her....